Wednesday, March 30, 2011

My first true all nighter

It is now 5:20 in the morning.  I have not slept all night.  I tried and tried to go to sleep.  The things that usually work (reading, turning the light on, listening to soothing music, controlling my breathing, etc.) did not work.  I had a conversation with my Dad last night that definitely made me anxious, and I'm almost positive that's the cause of this sleepless night.  I feel very tired, but I know if I fall asleep now, there is absolutely no way that I will be able to get up to go to my classes.  I know this can't be healthy.  I feel like my attention span is that of a gnat right now, and I feel very bored...waiting around to sleep for hours and hours and hours.  I still feel anxious, though not as much, but I'm still biting my nails, which I never do.  For some reason, when I know that others disapprove of my actions, or my impending actions, it makes me start second-guessing myself.  I know that filling my night with anxiety was not what my father intended...he was just trying to tell me things that he thought I should think about.  But, the things that he thought I should think about all sort of centered on me and Jake breaking up, and it seemed to insinuate that we would eventually break up, and when we do, I'm going to have realized that I just made the biggest mistake of my entire life.  It's a scary thing to hear from your Dad. What I don't understand is how you ever know 100% that the thing you are doing is the right thing.  You can't, can you?  Is it feeling right enough to know that it's the right thing?  Jake is my best friend, the person who matters most to me in this world, and the person who makes me the happiest.  Is my age enough to prove that I am making the wrong decision?  Is me feeling like it's the right decision to make me happy not enough?

If I don't want to dwell on all the terrible things that could happen in my life, am I being irresponsible or immature? I'm letting fear of what could happen cripple my decision making.  I don't want my life to be defined by my, or other people's fears. Right now I feel like that is what is happening.  I'm getting what I want all confused with all the potential disasters of life, and man it is getting convoluted.  All I know is: I want to be where Jake is.  Is that so wrong? With all of the changes in my life..changes in schools and in deciding what my career should be, Jake has been the constant, my rock in the storm, or whatever that cliche phrase is.  Does being indecisive about my career in this life disqualify me from being able to decide who makes me happy? NO! I don't think so! Man, this lack of sleep is really not helping.


  1. When people reacted poorly to the plans I had for my life, I cried and cried. Then I did it anyways and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I stopped second-guessing myself from then on. It was scary being on my own but it made me really grow as a person.

    At some point in your life, you will start to make your own choices (this is always hard for those who have made your choices for you in the past). When you have really grown up, you will know because you won't care what others think anymore, because you will trust yourself more than anyone else. Right now you are young, and still under your parent's wings, so of course you care what they think. You haven't learned to trust yourself yet, because you've never had the chance. The first flight from the nest is always the scariest! But after that, it's smooth sailing.

  2. For starters, I would NEVER have imagined I'd be in support of anyone leaving college and moving across the country to marry their boyfriend - but your situation is really unique. I think that what you are doing is great! It would be different if you had a definite course of study in college or if Jake had decided to move out to CA for a regular job.

    I think that since you're still so undecided about what your reasons are for being at college and still don't know what you want to pursue as a major in at this late point in the game, there's a real benefit to taking a break and working for a bit to get a better idea of what you do and don't want to do. You've already pretty much lost the opportunity to have a regular college experience anyway.

    Since he's beginning a military career, there's a real stability there in the sense of health benefits, housing, and career stability (even though you won't always be able to be together). Plus, what a cool adventure to move to Monterrey for a couple of years! Anyway, it'll be a way more fun and romantic story to tell your kids than the story of sticking it out at when you could have been having a blast in CA!

  3. Thanks Claire, that makes me feel good!

  4. I have some additions to my comment:

    It's not wrong to want to be where Jake is, but you need to make sure that you have (or make) your own reasons for being there - apart from your desire to be with him. You need to really develop your own interests and your own identity and I think that is the strongest base for a long term relationship. You've got to be strong and happy on your own first, then add other people as icing on the cake! I'm not suggesting breaking up with Jake, I'm saying that you should try not to rely too much on him and being near him for your happiness. If you depend on him for your general happiness too much, you could inadvertently end up putting too much pressure and stress on a guy who's already going to be getting enough of that from a military job. I'm afraid that if you don't start to work on being your own source of happiness now, especially while you're alone, if/when Jake gets deployed, you will be in quite a pickle.

    I can tell you that from my own experience with Bob being on tour for so long, you've got to learn to be your own rock. They can be a rock holding your rock up, but you need to carve out your own piece of rock too. They can't help as much over the telephone... you've got to kill the roach on your own, or drive to the doctor alone when you can barely get out of bed (like me on Friday), or cry about your grandmother by yourself and try to get hugs from the dog instead.

    Have you read anything about teenage brain development and how the frontal lobes aren't fully developed until your mid-20's? That's the part of the brain that deals with reasoning, planning, problem solving, understanding consequences, etc... It's not your fault that you are so mixed up about making such a big decision and knowing whether it's right or wrong! It's totally natural, and amplified by the fact that you have some solidly conflicting advice givers.

    This two months without Jake around is the absolute perfect time for you to learn more about yourself! I think that having time to yourself and being alone is really valuable and essential for everyone to help with figuring out what you want and need out of life. It's hard to do that when you're focusing on others. So embrace this time while Jake's at basic training and try to get the most you can out of it, don't just count down the days in misery!

    I personally am a huge fan of being a housewife or stay at home mom, but your identity can't just be "wife of ___" or "mother of ___" you've got to have your own thing going on! And then you can bring even more to the relationship!

    I still think going to California will be awesome, and I'm in no way retracting what I wrote the other day, but keep these things in mind too!