It is now 5:20 in the morning. I have not slept all night. I tried and tried to go to sleep. The things that usually work (reading, turning the light on, listening to soothing music, controlling my breathing, etc.) did not work. I had a conversation with my Dad last night that definitely made me anxious, and I'm almost positive that's the cause of this sleepless night. I feel very tired, but I know if I fall asleep now, there is absolutely no way that I will be able to get up to go to my classes. I know this can't be healthy. I feel like my attention span is that of a gnat right now, and I feel very bored...waiting around to sleep for hours and hours and hours. I still feel anxious, though not as much, but I'm still biting my nails, which I never do. For some reason, when I know that others disapprove of my actions, or my impending actions, it makes me start second-guessing myself. I know that filling my night with anxiety was not what my father intended...he was just trying to tell me things that he thought I should think about. But, the things that he thought I should think about all sort of centered on me and Jake breaking up, and it seemed to insinuate that we would eventually break up, and when we do, I'm going to have realized that I just made the biggest mistake of my entire life. It's a scary thing to hear from your Dad. What I don't understand is how you ever know 100% that the thing you are doing is the right thing. You can't, can you? Is it feeling right enough to know that it's the right thing? Jake is my best friend, the person who matters most to me in this world, and the person who makes me the happiest. Is my age enough to prove that I am making the wrong decision? Is me feeling like it's the right decision to make me happy not enough?
If I don't want to dwell on all the terrible things that could happen in my life, am I being irresponsible or immature? I'm letting fear of what could happen cripple my decision making. I don't want my life to be defined by my, or other people's fears. Right now I feel like that is what is happening. I'm getting what I want all confused with all the potential disasters of life, and man it is getting convoluted. All I know is: I want to be where Jake is. Is that so wrong? With all of the changes in my life..changes in schools and in deciding what my career should be, Jake has been the constant, my rock in the storm, or whatever that cliche phrase is. Does being indecisive about my career in this life disqualify me from being able to decide who makes me happy? NO! I don't think so! Man, this lack of sleep is really not helping.