Well, I have been avoiding blogging for what feels like forever. If I am writing my thoughts down, then it feels like I should be honest, and I've just been wanting to avoid all of my thoughts recently.
I had a change of heart. A self-realization. We think that we can do anything, grow up to be anything that we want, and sometimes that is just not reality. I cannot grow up to be whatever I want. I have limitations. Figuring that out is kind of unnerving. As children, the philosophy that we can do whatever we want with our lives is ground into us, it's a truth spoken by every adult. They don't tell you that sometimes you have crazy neuroses that make some paths impossible. Apparently I come by those neuroses honestly. My grandmother that I didn't know suffered from many of these crazy afflictions...I seem to have inherited some. While I don't want it to inhibit my life like they did hers, I understand how it would be really easy to just slip into living my life like that.
So, now, the girl who loves having a plan and a path is plan-less. path-less. I don't know what I want to do with my life and that is really unnerving! I feel like I've lost myself and that I'm drifting, but that's so hard to imagine, because I've always felt like I've known exactly who I am. Everything feels so overwhelming. I find myself having trouble caring about things that I usually do (like school). I know that I need to make a call to the therapy people at school, and have someone help me work it out, but I keep putting it off. Whenever I think about school, I think, what's the point? What if I decide that I want to be something, and then just change my mind again? What then?
I feel confused. People keep telling me that school is for learning and having fun, but for me it is the means to an end. I am using school as a stepping stone to get to my career. If I don't know the end, how do I deal with the means?