Sunday, February 20, 2011

Master of Avoidance.

Well, I have been avoiding blogging for what feels like forever.  If I am writing my thoughts down, then it feels like I should be honest, and I've just been wanting to avoid all of my thoughts recently.

I had a change of heart. A self-realization.  We think that we can do anything, grow up to be anything that we want, and sometimes that is just not reality.  I cannot grow up to be whatever I want.  I have limitations.  Figuring that out is kind of unnerving.  As children, the philosophy that we can do whatever we want with our lives is ground into us, it's a truth spoken by every adult.  They don't tell you that sometimes you have crazy neuroses that make some paths impossible. Apparently I come by those neuroses honestly.  My grandmother that I didn't know suffered from many of these crazy afflictions...I seem to have inherited some.  While I don't want it to inhibit my life like they did hers, I understand how it would be really easy to just slip into living my life like that.

So, now, the girl who loves having a plan and a path is plan-less. path-less. I don't know what I want to do with my life and that is really unnerving!  I feel like I've lost myself and that I'm drifting, but that's so hard to imagine, because I've always felt like I've known exactly who I am.  Everything feels so overwhelming. I find myself having trouble caring about things that I usually do (like school).  I know that I need to make a call to the therapy people at school, and have someone help me work it out, but I keep putting it off.  Whenever I think about school, I think, what's the point?  What if I decide that I want to be something, and then just change my mind again? What then?

I feel confused.  People keep telling me that school is for learning and having fun, but for me it is the means to an end.  I am using school as a stepping stone to get to my career.  If I don't know the end, how do I deal with the means?

1 comment:

  1. Dude I changed my major twice, the last time in my junior year. A ton of college kids are going through the same thing you are. Things WILL fall into place eventually. By the time I graduated, my career advisor was my BFF. See if you have some of those on campus. You go and talk to them about what kind of career you want to have and what kind of interests you have. Then they can make suggestions... or if you get a really good advisor like I did, they can hook you up with sweet interviews and internships.

    CALL ME if you need to!