My first true all nighter

It is now 5:20 in the morning.  I have not slept all night.  I tried and tried to go to sleep.  The things that usually work (reading, turning the light on, listening to soothing music, controlling my breathing, etc.) did not work.  I had a conversation with my Dad last night that definitely made me anxious, and I'm almost positive that's the cause of this sleepless night.  I feel very tired, but I know if I fall asleep now, there is absolutely no way that I will be able to get up to go to my classes.  I know this can't be healthy.  I feel like my attention span is that of a gnat right now, and I feel very bored...waiting around to sleep for hours and hours and hours.  I still feel anxious, though not as much, but I'm still biting my nails, which I never do.  For some reason, when I know that others disapprove of my actions, or my impending actions, it makes me start second-guessing myself.  I know that filling my night with anxiety was not what my father intended...he was just trying to tell me things that he thought I should think about.  But, the things that he thought I should think about all sort of centered on me and Jake breaking up, and it seemed to insinuate that we would eventually break up, and when we do, I'm going to have realized that I just made the biggest mistake of my entire life.  It's a scary thing to hear from your Dad. What I don't understand is how you ever know 100% that the thing you are doing is the right thing.  You can't, can you?  Is it feeling right enough to know that it's the right thing?  Jake is my best friend, the person who matters most to me in this world, and the person who makes me the happiest.  Is my age enough to prove that I am making the wrong decision?  Is me feeling like it's the right decision to make me happy not enough?

If I don't want to dwell on all the terrible things that could happen in my life, am I being irresponsible or immature? I'm letting fear of what could happen cripple my decision making.  I don't want my life to be defined by my, or other people's fears. Right now I feel like that is what is happening.  I'm getting what I want all confused with all the potential disasters of life, and man it is getting convoluted.  All I know is: I want to be where Jake is.  Is that so wrong? With all of the changes in my life..changes in schools and in deciding what my career should be, Jake has been the constant, my rock in the storm, or whatever that cliche phrase is.  Does being indecisive about my career in this life disqualify me from being able to decide who makes me happy? NO! I don't think so! Man, this lack of sleep is really not helping.

The first call

Tonight I got Jake's first real call from BMT.  I miss him terribly, and the good news is that he's never missed me more! He said that he can't wait to see me again...he also said that if he could he'd marry me today!  Talking to him made me miss him more, especially since I don't know the next time we'll be able to speak.  He hasn't had any time to write letters, so I really don't know the next time I'll hear from him at all.  But, I'm looking forward to finding a job, and volunteering somewhere! I'm hoping these next few months will fly by.

Lackland stole my man!

I miss Jake so bad that it hurts! I have a countdown to when we can see each other again...56 days! He's so intertwined in my life that everywhere I go, everything I do, I think of him! Things remind me of him, etc. etc. I'm going to make a paper chain for how long he'll be gone.  I'm excited about that.  Crafting is a good way to spend time when you miss somebody.  I'm also going to make his favorite cookies.  I'm going to eat the cookies, craft, and watch a movie all at the same time and it sounds like a blast to me.  Trying to not wallow and feel sad.

Day 1- 59 to go

This morning I went to the Raleigh MPS office to watch Jake get sworn in.  I got there at about 8:40, and got to hang out with Jake for about an hour!  It was so nice to see him again after dropping him off at the hotel last night, which was sad.  At a bit before 10, all of the "shippers" (people who are shipping out today) went into this mysterious room where they stayed for 2 and a half hours.  Yes, this means that I too stayed for another 2 and a half hours, waiting for him to come out, or get sworn in, or something!  It was very very boring.  There were fluorescent lights everywhere, and the chairs were very uncomfortable.  But, eventually we did get to watch them get sworn in, and it was so nice to be there and support him during it, even though he probably could have cared less if I was there or not!

After the swearing in ceremony, we got to take pictures in the fancy room where they did it (the last pictures of Jake with hair!).  Immediately afterwards, they had to go back to the mysterious briefing room again, for what seemed like an eternity, but was probably 15 minutes.  Then they emerged and were rushed out to their vans waiting to take them to the airport. I got to say a quick goodbye, but it felt rushed.  I wanted to hurry so that the scary lady in charge wouldn't yell at me! Jake was definitely excited at the very end, so I'm really happy about it for him!  He's called me from the airport a couple of times to say hello, and he'll call me when he touches down in San Antonio, and that will be the last time we talk until he calls me from Lackland AFB to tell me what his mailing address is.

It's been a really big day, but I've been handling it super well.  I only cried a tiny little bit, and I'm staying at Claire's again tonight.  Since I never stay here, it's been a really good distraction, and I know that as soon as I go home, or go to Jake's house, or head back to Boone the real loneliness will kick in, and I'll start feeling sad, but for now, I feel okay :)

Lab Report

Let me just say this: LAB REPORTS CAN GO TO HELL.

the end.

Breakthrough

I have finally had a breakthrough in what I want to do with my life! I have been thinking and thinking recently about what I should major in, what I like, what I want out of my life.  It has all been very confusing, and since I have been so focused on the nursing, and getting into nursing school, I havn't paid much attention at all to what I actually LIKE.  I've just been putting up with all the science (which I don't like) to get into nursing school!  Anyways, back to my breakthrough.  Today I was watching 19 Kids and Counting (a truly fascinating show), and one of the girls, Jill, was studying to be a midwife.  I became so jealous of her and realized how much I still want to be involved with pregnant women, and with birth.

I started doing some research online, and found information on being a Doula.  They are active birth coaches, and work for midwives, and they still get paid (although not nearly as much as the midwife).  I don't think that being a Doula alone will be enough money, but I have always been interested in massage.  I want to go to massage therapy school, become a massage therapist, and incorporate being a Doula with being a massage therapist!  Perhaps I could work as a massage therapist, and then be a Doula on the side, or something.  I would really like to specialize in prenatal massage, I think that would be amazing!

After all of the confusion and wondering, it feels really good to sort of realize what it is that I really am interested in, and am drawn to.  I have looked into massage therapy before, and pairing it with pregnant women feels right! I feel happy.

Midwest Bound

Tomorrow we are flying to Indiana for spring break.  I am very excited.  I am leaving immediately after the Microbiology test, and driving straight home.  I still need to pack.

On a slightly different note, I hate Microbiology with a burning passion.  It's stressful, there is a bunch of crap to learn - that I don't give a rat's ass about, and it's got the longest lab in the history of the world.  I don't feel prepared for my test (I didn't last time, either) and it's got my mind up a tree.

March March March March

Today is the first day of March.  This is the month that my Jake is leaving, and as happy as I am for him, I am also so sad!  I don't want him to leave, I want to keep him with me!  I am getting excited about writing letters again, I wrote one the other day to try and get my hand used to it again.  I also bought stamps for the first time from the post office, and I got these really really pretty ones!  They're pansies, and they say LOVE on them.  

I really love them.  They make me want to send letters every day, which I will be doing, starting in exactly 3 weeks.  

Spring Break is next week, but I'm leaving this Thursday after my Microbiology exam.  I can hardly stand it...I am so tired of school!  Spring semester always feels like it drags on for forever!

On a different note...either the dryer or perhaps the Borrowers are taking my socks.  I have lost almost all of them, and I used to have a ton.  Do dryers eat socks?  How is it possible for them to get lost in between going into the washer and coming out of the dryer?  Is there some sort of conspiracy theory?  Either way, I need more socks.